Chapter 6 – Plz take that knife out of my back kthxbye

The last time we left Salt In The Wound, he had his foot raised above Second Name’s face, who was sleeping due to Jigglypuff’s song.

Salt smiled in manic glee. Here he was, about to actually brutally assault some guy he’d just met… with no legal repercussions. He thought back to the plane ride here, and remembered how the pilot said that 100% from the law is granted to all of the contestants, and smiled once again. He was a little surprised at how fast a person can cross the human line of decency, but no conscience could stop him now.

He was just about slam his foot down upon Second’s face when something very, very sharp jammed into his back. At first, he couldn’t move. The pain was too gripping. He gently fell on his knees and held in a scream that would no doubt wake Second and Hitmonchan. Jigglypuff wasted no time in getting behind Salt to try and pull the sharp object out. To Jigglypuff, it looked exactly like a leaf.

“I wouldn’t pull that out if I were you,” said a rough voice behind Jigglypuff. Jigglypuff turned to face this new person that hurt its master, and was smacked in the face by a green, almost leathery whip.

Jigglypuff looked close, and saw that it wasn’t a whip. It was a vine. Jigglypuff’s eyes traveled along the vine until it saw the owner. The thing that stabbed its master and smacked it was none other than a larger-than-average size Chikorita.

Salt bit his lip so hard it started to bleed. Along with the jaw fractures he received earlier, he was in a whirlwind of pain. He heard someone behind him, and knew whose rough and gravelly voice it was.

“Haunter…” sighed Salt. He winced as turned around on his knees to look at his old friend… who now didn’t look at all like the Haunter he knew.

Haunter stood before Salt and Jigglypuff, his Chikorita by his side, and grinned. As he grinned, he flexed his arm muscles and posed. Salt, seeing his once weak friend Haunter pose like a bodybuilder, would’ve laughed under any other circumstances. Instead, he only shut his eyes and groaned.

“Am I the only one who knew to physically prepare himself?” asked Haunter. “This first day is nearly over, and the only other person I’ve seen that even came close to looking as strong as me was Potato.”

This was quite a statement, and it was a true one at that. Haunter had witnessed Potato’s killing of Sumbudy U Don’t Kno (which Haunter had described as the dumbest luck possible), and hid in the bushes far away enough to see the chaos around primusfan 2001’s murder.

“Come on, man, we’re buds. We can do this together. Last ‘till the end.” Salt said in between coughing up blood. Jigglypuff looked up at its master, and poised to strike Haunter.

“Don’t you dare. Chikorita will make your death as fun as an all expenses paid trip to a giant blender.” said Haunter. He glared at the Jigglypuff, pleased that he’d found what he was looking for.

Salt stood up, and reached for the leaf in his back. Haunter shook his head.

“Pull that out, and you’ll probably end up bleeding to death.”

“As opposed to getting killed by one of my good friends?” asked Salt.

Haunter laughed, and right at that moment Salt felt like he could rip Haunter’s balls off with two toothpicks.

“I’m not killing you. You’re much more useful to me alive.” said Haunter. He approached Second and Hitmonchan, who were still amazingly asleep.

“There’s a ****ing razor leaf in my back,” said Salt, standing up. He noticed the pain was still intense, but the bleeding had seemed to stop. He took an exaggerated bow and said “However shall I ****ing serve you, my liege?” He nearly fell back down again and mentally registered never to bow again.

“I don’t need you,” said Haunter. Haunter’s gaze fell upon Jigglypuff, who shuddered. Haunter pointed at Jigglypuff, and it all became too clear.

“There’s a Magikarp out there that might evolve at any second. Plus, there are sure to be other Pokémon that my Chikorita, while certainly strong, can’t handle. When they are sleeping, oh, that’s another situation, let me tell you.”

Haunter picked up Chikorita and cradled it in his arms. He began to pet it, and Salt felt a strange laughter bubbling up inside of him at the sight of Haunter stroking his Pokémon like some whacked out James Bond villain.

“You’ve been a pal to me, Salt. Always have. And I’m not going to kill you. I’m just going to string you and your Jigglypuff along to help me out.”

Salt shook his head. “I would’ve helped you out. Didn’t need to go all stabby on me.”

Haunter face suddenly turned serious. “You were just about to kill Second. You knew that anyone else that came your way better have earplugs, or else they’d be dead. You had a false sense of power from that, and I couldn’t take the chance of you playing me like a fool or saying no. So, I had to do it my way.”

Salt shook his head, and took in a deep breath. He felt the air go past the empty spots where his teeth once stood, and coughed. He straightened his back out, and moved his shoulders to test what was possible to do without pain and what wasn’t. He wasn’t pleased with the findings.

“So, that’s that,” said Haunter. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a large clump of leaves and vines. Of course, Salt knew what they were going to be used for.

“Earplugs.” said Salt.

Haunter nodded. “I tell you to make that fluff bucket sing, and you do so. You don’t, and Chikorita will slice and dice, starting with your balls. Understand?”

Salt was trapped. He couldn’t hold up in a physical fight, not with the condition he was in. As soon as Jigglypuff would open its mouth to sing, Haunter and Chikorita would jam the earplugs in (Salt briefly wondered if Chikorita had ears) and kill them.

Salt felt totally defeated. He nodded, and Haunter clapped his hands.

“Great!” Haunter said loudly… loud enough to finally wake Second, while Hitmonchan continued snoozing.

“Oh, gosh. Can’t have that, can we?” said Haunter. With Chikorita in his arms, he walked to Hitmonchan and Second. “Vines to the head.” he said to Chikorita, who nodded.

Chikorita then extended two of its vines to Second’s head. Second finally opened his eyes and looked up at a smiling Haunter standing before him, and said “What the ****?”

Chikorita firmly grasped Second’s head in its vines, and quickly snapped Second’s neck. Salt was taken back by the simple and quick brutality of the action, and felt a little twinge of jealousy due to Haunter killing Second first. Haunter looked up Salt, with a totally innocent look on his face.

“What? Get going.” said Haunter.

Jigglypuff and Salt nodded, and began plodding up the beach. Haunter and Chikorita followed behind them, and Haunter couldn’t take his eyes off of the sharp leaf in Salt’s back, shining like a trophy and a constant reminder of what he did to his friend.

CE POKEMON BATTLE ROYALE CONTESTANTS

1. Heim - Wooper
2. Ziddy - Magnemite
3. ass* - Spearow
4. Gorgoroth - Ditto
5. Salt In The Wound - Jigglypuff
6. stepwatermelon - Bellsprout
7. Sixth Ghost - Onix
8. Pdaimaoh - Geodude
9. I Am A Potato* - Magikarp*
10. Faulty Voice Box Boy - SlowPoké
11. Kaboobi - Scyther
12. Hmm Just A Box - Pysduck
13. TheBlackMage - Cyndaquil
14. Elftor - Gastly
15. Haunter - Chikorita*
16. Radianthart - Charmander
17. Inthesto - Spinark
18. Aeon Flux Capacitor - Pidgey
19. Whiz Kid - Sandshrew
20. greatone10 - Jynx
21. KatThePoet - Meowth
22. Regulator V - Gloom
23. Ultima Gamer - Bulbasaur
24. animorph1000 - Magmar
27. Broken Green - Cubone
28. Math Murderer
29. Zephirias - Sneasel
 

DEAD

25. Sumbudy U Dont Kno (Suffocated by Magikarp, Chapter 1)

26. primusfan 2001 (Head crushed by ass, Chapter 3)

30. Second Name (Neck snapped by Chikorita, Chapter 6)