Chapter 25 – Kinks or Vanilla?

Haunter smiled as he limped along the volcano path. He wasn’t lucky to be alive. He knew that. He wasn’t lucky, he was smart. Luck was no factor in allowing him to survive that attack by Math Murderer.

Math thought he’d be able to save Salt in the Wound. What a fool. The ensuing attack with a home-made axe left Salt bleeding to death and Math without a face. Oh, yeah, Haunter lost his right hand, too. But it was only a flesh wound.

As he walked onwards with his shirt tightly wrapped on his arm, which now ended in a stump, he kept looking down at Chikorita. Math had kicked it during the attack and Chikorita had broken its right front leg. Haunter felt a little sympathy towards it, but was more concerned about how it would protect him when the time came.

Sweat rolled off his body in what seemed like gallons. He was perfectly okay, aside from the missing hand, which hurt like a *****. No matter. He knew he would still win this. He just wished he had found that damn axe that Math used after the attack… he had searched the surrounding area, and found nothing. No axe. He continued searching for another hour before he gave up and left it there.

He had Chikorita and its razor leafs, and that was all that mattered. He knew that the next contestant he saw wouldn’t even get a chance to say a witty retort or remark before Chikorita stabbed him in the throat. Of course, this was all before he saw radianthart leap out from behind a group of large rocks, crying and bawling her eyes out.

He immediately ran to her, and when she saw him she cried out in surprise. She backed away and tripped on a small rock and fell on her ass. She shielded her arms out in front of her, trying to protect herself.

“Please,” she sobbed. “Don’t do this, baby.”

Haunter eyes grew wide, and he felt pangs of anger rise up from inside him. “Baby? You dumped me, radiant. You’re not allowed to call me any more of your pet names.”

This was true. Before they had even came here, radiant and Haunter were seriously involved. They had been dating for over 3 years, and never once consummated their love for each other. Haunter was a fairly wealthy kid that was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and this certainly attracted radiant. It took him a surprisingly long time to figure out that her continuous promise of lovemaking was just a way to keep her in his checkbook.

Ironically right when Haunter finally opened his eyes, radiant dumped him and left him for some gorgeous bodybuilder hunk.

She wiped her eyes and looked at his right arm and a wave of concern washed over her face. “What happened?” she said, ignoring what he just previously said.

“Math Murderer chopped it off with an axe.”

“I’m so sorry,” said radiant. She shot a glance back to the rocks where she had leapt out from, and returned her attention to Haunter. She stood up and walked towards him and gave him a tight hug. Haunter relished in feeling the weight he so sorely missed on those lonely nights up against his chest.

Haunter remembered what she did to him, and pushed her away. “What’s this? You don’t have a Pokemon?” he asked her.

She shook her head. “Regulator V poisoned it with his Gloom. It died.”

Haunter smiled, and nodded his head. “Oh, so you’re attaching to me again, huh? Instead of my wallet, its my ****ing Chikorita.”

She wiped her eyes and shook her head. “No, God, I was an idiot for dumping you.” she said. “I miss you. I really do. I was young, stupid… the money doesn’t matter to me anymore.”

Haunter snorted and looked at her. She was a liar. He knew it. He looked down at Chikorita, almost telling it to chop her kneecaps off when she started rubbing his chest.

“God, I miss how hot you are.” she said. Haunter felt his knees quiver.

Her hands wrapped around the back of his head and she gave him a passionate kiss. Chikorita blushed and lowered its leaf and covered its eyes.

“I was a fool for holding out on you so long.” said radiant, in between her kissing and licking Haunter’s face.

Haunter closed his eyes and felt a familiar swelling in his jeans. He took a deep breath and shuddered.

radiant’s hands began roaming down his chest and towards his thighs. “Dangerous situations like these make the hormones go all… nutty.”

As she said nutty, her hands grabbed something of Haunter’s. Haunter closed his eyes.

“Lay down.” she said. “And take off your pants.”

Haunter did exactly as he was told, complete victim to the lack of blood in his brain. Had he thought about this for a second and looked behind the beauty tugging at the bottom of his jeans he would’ve seen a Charmander begin sneaking out from behind the rocks.

Haunter was pantless. radiant slowly crawled over his body, and tugged at the elastic of his boxer briefs. Working them over the bulge, Haunter was completely now completely naked. His eyes were closed, relishing the thought of what was about to happen.

Had he opened them and looked at his Chikorita, he would’ve seen Charmander shove one of its paws over its mouth and slit its throat. He would’ve seen Charmander pick Chikorita up by the leaf on its head and throw it a surprising distance. He would’ve seen Charmander begin to suddenly glow and change right before his eyes.

radiant saw Charmander begin to evolve, and saw Haunter’s eyes flicker open. “Keep them closed.” she ordered, still near Haunter’s pride and joy. “Keep them closed or I won’t give you a taste.”

Haunter nodded.

“Tighter.” radiant said. Haunter closed his eyes so tight, he began to get a headache.

The newly evolved Charmeleon positioned itself over Haunter’s face, careful not to breath directly on him. radiant ever so slowly began to stand up, careful not make any noise that’d alert Haunter. Now standing, she raised her foot above Haunter’s testicles and nodded at Charmeleon.

“Honey?” said radiant.

“Yeah?”

“You have a small wang.”

Haunter opened his eyes just in time to see radiant SLAM her foot down on his testicles. There was a loud pop, obviously the sound of you-know-what exploding. Haunter screamed in pure unadulterated pain, and that pain was only magnified when Charmeleon clamped its jaws on Haunters cheek and pulled off some of his flesh.

Haunter kicked and tried to get up, and was amazed at the sudden lack of air that happens when your testicles pop. radiant gave a swift and brutal kick to Haunter’s wang and he screamed once more in pain.

It was vivid world of red hot pain for Haunter. Charmeleon clamped its jaws on Haunter’s shoulder and began chewing on his bone. Haunter tried to get up, but the pain in his nether regions was just too much to ****ing bear.

radiant dusted her hands off and looked down at Charmeleon, who was pulling at flesh on Haunter’s good arm. “The neck is the juiciest part.” she said.

Charmeleon smiled. It turned its attention away from Haunter’s arm and positioned itself over Haunter’s neck. Charmeleon was a little amazed at how fast the thick blood from Haunter’s cheek had absolutely coated the rest of his face.

Haunter actually whimpered, a sound that radiant took delight in. Those 3 years she put into him were horrendous. Haunter was horrible company. He had a bloated ego and was a typical ass, which was normal for guys as handsome as he was. The only thing that made him different from the rest of the litter was the fact that his family was rich.

She knew she was getting Haunter worried after the literally thousandth time she held out on her goods. She knew she was getting Haunter worried after he suddenly was a good portion of cash lowered after buying her a new car for absolutely nothing. So, before he could dump her, she left him.

She glanced back just in time to see Charmeleon clamp its jaws on Haunter’s neck and begin pulling. Charmeleon tightened its grip and yanked once more. There was a loud crunch, and Haunter was dead. Charmeleon gazed upon the buffet of food in front of him, and began eating Haunter’s face.

radiant frowned, and hoped that Aeon Flux Capacitor didn’t see what she had to do. It wouldn’t be nice if her new boyfriend saw her seducing some old ex.

She stopped, and realized she had called Aeon her boyfriend. She smiled, and continued walking to the small patch of grass where Aeon was still recovering from Gloom’s Stun Spore.

Her heart sank when she saw Aeon.

The rest of him was okay. His body was perfectly fine, in the same position she had left it.

The problem was his head. Where it was lied a pulpy mess of remains. Bits of white bone lay about in the red pulp. It was his skull, obviously. The gooey white spots in the mess of brain matter had to have been his eyes. She looked at Aeon’s Pidgey, and saw the exact same thing had happened to it.

She bent over and vomited, and burst into tears. This was the first person she actually had real feelings for, and his head was turned into goopy cherry Jell-O while he was paralyzed. He couldn’t fight back.

At the precise moment she vowed to avenge his death, a Scizor flew down into the small patch of grass, standing on Aeon’s dead body.

Also at that precise moment, the volcano began to erupt.

CE POKEMON BATTLE ROYALE CONTESTANTS
2. Ziddy - Magneton***
11. Kaboobi* - Scizor****
16. Radianthart - Charmeleon***

DEAD
25. Sumbudy U Dont Kno (Suffocated by Magikarp, Chapter 1)
26. primusfan 2001 (Head crushed by ass, Chapter 3)
30. Second Name (Neck snapped by Chikorita, Chapter 6)
7. Sixth Ghost (Crushed by Ditto, Chapter 7)
20. greatone10 (Poisoned by Spinarak, Chapter 8)
4. Gorgoroth (Head accidentally torn to shreds by Ditto in chainsaw form, Chapter 8)
29. Zephirias (Neck torn to shreds by Pidgey, Chapter 9)
10. Faulty Voice Box Boy (Bludgeoned to death by Hmm Just A Box, Chapter 10)
12. Hmm Just A Box* (Thrown into a fire and burned alive by Elftor, Chapter 10)
3. ass** (Choked to death on dirt that Inthesto forced into his mouth, Chapter 12)
23. Ultima Gamer (Burned alive from the inside out by Magmar, Chapter 13)
24. animorph1000 (Decapitated by Oddish's razor leaf, Chapter 13)
17. Inthesto** (Got blown up by his own stick of dynamite, Chapter 14)
27. Broken Green (Got blown up by Inthesto's stick of dynamite, Chapter 14)
1. Heim (Cut in half by Scyther, Chapter 15)
9. I Am A Potato* (Head melted to a puddle of goo by Weepinbell's acid, Chapter 18)
6. stepwatermelon (Crushed in a cave collapse caused by Sandshrew, Chapter 18)
8. Pdaimaoh (Boiled alive by Cyndaquil, Chapter 19)
5. Salt In The Wound (Axe accidently slammed into groin and bled to death, Chapter 20)
28. Math Murderer* (Face stomped in by Haunter, Chapter 20)
14. Elftor* (Front half of skull sliced off by Scyther, Chapter 21)
13. TheBlackMage* (Fatal brain damage caused by Magnemite's Supersonic attack, Chapter 22)
22. Regulator V (Accidentally vertically melted in half by Gloom's strongest acid, Chapter 23)
19. Whiz Kid (Spinal cord slashed by Meowth and neck smashed by Kat, Chapter 24)
21. KatThePoet (Inside of head turned into pulpy remains by one of Magneton's magnets, Chapter 24)
15. Haunter* (Testicles crushed by radianthart and eaten alive by Charmeleon, Chapter 25)
18. Aeon Flux Capacitor (Head crushed into a bloody pulp while paralyzed by Scizor, Chapter 25)

Note: The asteriks are the kills. Killing a Pokemon is also counted, but the Pokemon is not listed in the "DEAD" List.